1. Do what you need to do for you.
Everyone has personal needs, whether it’s going to the gym
after work or taking some alone time on Saturday morning. If someone asks you
to do something and your instinct is to honor you own need, do that. I’m not
saying you can’t make sacrifices sometimes, but it’s important to make a habit
of taking care of yourself.
Someone once told me people are like glasses of water. If we
don’t do what we have to do to keep our glass full, we’ll need to take it
from someone else—which leaves them half full. Fill your own glass so you can
feel whole and complete in your relationships.
It’s tempting to doubt people—to assume your boyfriend meant
to hurt you by not inviting you out with his friends, or your friend meant
to make you feel inadequate by flaunting her money. People who care about
you want you to feel happy, even if sometimes they get too wrapped up in their
own problems to show it well.
Sometimes they may be hurtful and mean it—let’s not pretend
we’re all angels. But that won’t be the norm. It will likely be when they’re
hurting and don’t know what to do with it. Odds are they’ll feel bad and
apologize later. If you want to get good will, share it by seeing the best
in the people you love. When we assume the best, we often inspire it.
3. Look at yourself for the problem first.
When you feel unhappy with yourself, it’s easy to find
something wrong in a relationship. If you blame another person for
what you’re feeling, the solution is on them. But this is actually faulty
logic. For starters, it gives them all the control. And secondly, it usually
doesn’t solve the problem, since you didn’t actually address the root cause.
Next time you feel the need to blame someone for your
feelings—something they did or should have done—ask yourself if there’s
something else going on. You may find there’s something underlying:
something you did or should have done for you. Take responsibility
for the problem and you have power to create a solution.
4. Be mindful of projecting.
In psychology, projecting refers to denying your own traits
and then ascribing them to the outside world or other people. For example, if
you’re not a loyal and trusting friend, you may assume your friends are all out
to get you. It’s a defense mechanism that allows you to avoid the discomfort of
acknowledging your weaknesses. There’s no faster way to put a rift in your
relationships.
This comes back to down to self awareness, and it’s hard
work. Acknowledging your flaws isn’t fun, but if you don’t, you’ll continue seeing
them in everyone around you. And you’ll continue to hurt. Next time you see
something negative in someone else, ask yourself if it’s true for you. It might
not be, but if it is, identifying it can help create peace in that
relationship.
5. Choose your battles.
Everyone knows someone who makes everything a fight. If you
question them about something, you can expect an argument. If you comment on
something they did, you’ll probably get yelled at. Even a compliment could
create a confrontation. Some people just like to fight—maybe to channel
negativity they’re carrying around about the world or themselves.
On the one hand, you have to tell people when there’s
something bothering you. That’s the only way to address problems. On the other
hand, you don’t have to let everything bother you. When I’m not sure if I need to
bring something up, I ask myself these few questions:
· Does
this happen often and leave me feeling bad?
· Does
this really matter in the grand scheme of things?
· Can I
empathize with their feelings instead of dwelling on my insecurity?
6. Confront compassionately and clearly.
When you attack someone, their natural instinct is to get
defensive, which gets you nowhere. You end up having a loud conversation where
two people do their best to prove they’re right and the other one is wrong.
It’s rarely that black and white. It’s more likely you both have points, but
you’re both too stubborn to meet in the middle.
If you approach someone with compassion, you will open their
hearts and minds. Show them you understand where they’re coming from, and
they’ll be willing to see your side. That gives you a chance to express
yourself and your expectations clearly. And when you let people know what you
need at the right time in the right way, they’re more likely to give that to
you.
7. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.
There are all kinds of ways you can feel vulnerable in
relationships: When you express your feelings for someone else. When you’re
honest about yourself or your past. When you admit you made a mistake. We don’t
always do these things because we want to maintain a sense of power.
Power allows us a superficial sense of control, whereas
true, vulnerable being allows us a sense of authenticity. That’s love: being
your true self and allowing someone else to do the same without letting fear
and judgment tear it down. It’s like Jimi Hendrix said, “When the power of love
overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.”
8. Think before acting on emotion.
This one is the hardest for me. As soon as I feel hurt,
frustrated, or angry, I want to do something with it—which is always a bad
idea. I’ve realized my initial emotional reaction does not always reflect how I
really feel about something. Initially, I might feel scared or angry, but
once I calm down and think things through, I often realize I
overreacted.
When you feel a strong emotion, try to sit it for a while.
Don’t use it or run from it—just feel it. When you learn to observe your
feelings before acting on them, you minimize the negativity you create in two
ways: you process, analyze, and deal with feelings before putting them on
someone else; and you communicate in a way that inspires them to stay open
instead of shutting down.
9. Maintain boundaries.
When people get close, boundaries can get fuzzy. In a
relationship without boundaries, you let the other person manipulate you into
doing things you don’t want to do. You act out of guilt instead of
honoring your needs. You let someone offend you without telling them how you
feel about it. The best way to ensure people treat you how you want to be
treated is to teach them.
That means you have to love and respect yourself enough to
do that: to acknowledge what you need, and speak up. The only way to truly have
loving, peaceful relationships is to start with a loving, peaceful relationship
with yourself.
10. Enjoy their company more than their approval.
When you desperately need someone’s approval, your
relationship becomes all about what they do for you—how often they stroke your
ego, how well they bring you up when you feel down, how well they mitigate your
negative feelings. This is draining for another person, and it creates
an unbalanced relationship.
If you notice yourself dwelling on pleasing someone else or
getting their approval, realize you’re creating that need. (Unless you’re in an
abusive relationship, in which case I highly recommend getting
help. Instead of focusing on what you can get from that person, focus on
enjoying yourselves together. Oftentimes the best thing you can do for yourself
and someone else is let go and give yourself permission to smile.
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